The sodium light transpiring into my room from that old window unfurls itself all over the room. My pupils are wide open, enough to see every trifling detail making up the place. Things like this don't befall often, because at four in the night, I'm generally lethargically crashed to bed. But Now, I'm here, my eyes wide open and my savage mind more clear than ever, a stir of thoughts flowing over space and time as I prepare myself to encounter my past, my present and my future.
It starts when I was young. I often used to visit a fantastic hang-out place with my parents, that's DC, District center, as we fondly call it. Actually, this place generally brim with friends, hang-out buddies, college guy, couples etc etc. Those were the days my body clock went out of my understanding and I discovered puberty. I acquired new habits to discern every pair of shaved legs, espy every enlarged butt, observe all the burgeoning tees, secretly glancing on every girl, her boyfriend, her friends, and other flaunting groups all around. Those guys and gals were my inspiration and my idea of college life, but almost on all occasions I used to bump into a group of losers. And now what do I mean by losers ?
Losers, as in my conclusion, are the group of those guys hanging out together looking dreadfully humdrum, uncool and you-know the typical kind of feel they would measure out to the atmosphere. The reason, the proper reason for such kind of abysmal emanation was just one - There was no visible tinge of women in their life. Of course, mothers and sisters are not counted. Just by looking at those guys one can make out they will never have a girlfriend in their lives, and their parents will arrange a marriage for their losers in due time. Even then, they were never not hanging out together. They were just crying over their wretched fortunes or laughing at the world for the shit that crowds it. Typical losers. You just know they are losers, no second thought, verdict delivered. Anyways, a small point to be made. whoever I assumed to be those losers, they always looked as some science freaks !!
It's about 6-7 years now since those trips. But life has taken strange turns. Time is an unusual thing. Sometimes it slow downs, sometimes it runs too fast, you know, it changes it's speed a lot. But still it just ticks away at one same speed. I can look at my clock now, which is hanging harmlessly over the wall and isn't very much like how I see it during light, but it still quite seemingly tells me that it's just few more minutes to dawn. And then the sun will rise again, cracking that blue light in the purplish black firmament. A new day will begin, and it will end and begin again and the cycle will go on forever. And somewhere in those cycles I'll see the world, I'll live my life and then I'll fade into the eternities of the life. Thoughts like these don't befall often on me. But today is different. Today I saw Jaane Tu ya Jaane na. No, it's no special film, nothing great or epic about it. 2/5 is a brilliant rating to go with for this one. It's that simple old testified and tried love story, the same old wine in a new bottle. But then you'll subscribe with me for the sake of that old wisdom that as the wine gets older, it gets more intoxicating.
Love stories are really common in our flicks. There may not be even a dozen successful movies without featuring a romantic affair tinseled with half a dozen songs. But does the reel life so significantly depicts the real life? Suddenly if Bollywood becomes the gauge to measure this country, half the time the beautiful men ( with six pack abs and funky dress sense) and women ( tall, fair, educated, sensible and cultured) would be falling in love with each other after years of best friendship and fighting their parents in most cultured way. The rest half, they would be singing songs, making humor, bashing bad guys and stuff. Not quite really close to reality, is it ? But still, sometimes it embarks on something so important, so natural, so crude, so perpetual..you know... and that's love, the companionship of the opposite sex, you can't hide these desires for long. Indians aren't know to be much adventurous when it comes to finding mates or losing virginity, but then luckily living in such a liberal minded family and having made so many friends who were girls, it seems so paradoxical that I still haven't satisfied that ultimate rapturous desire.
That's it. Sky is going blue now. Birds and chirping already, and my mom is preparing herself to break free from slumber. But it's still not so clear. Something is wrong. Is it the AC ? The room is chilled now, even as I comfort myself in the quilt. I'm not feeling cheerful. Maybe because I don't have any girl in my life. I'm 19 now, at 20 an average Indian male discovers the joy of manhood. The height of the bridge don't worry me more than it's foundations. The problem is I even don't have a true love in my life. It's not that you need one so desperately for you, it's just sometimes you think that there should be someone you could share some moments with, if you could ever just talk for nights on with her, sometimes just lay down on her shoulders and look at the infinity that abounds the sky and those stars that glimmer in deafening silence of love. It's just those moments where the clocks slow down forever, where times runs paces as it had never before, when it just ticks away tick by tick, and the whole creation dissolves in it.
Somewhere far in neighborhood, an alarm rings up, diminished sound, nonetheless distinguishable. Chain reactions work amazingly when left to nature. The ringing alarm ringed a few bells in my mind. I'm sure, if I haven't been distracted to it, these thoughts would have never occurred. I just realized something. When with my friends in DC, after that Okay film, I was more than desperately scouting for those losers inspite of all the beautiful womankind that inundated the air. Now I realized, why I couldn't find them. Because it was us now. Yes !! We are the losers. No girl, no love, we are the f*cking damn losers !!
My mother is already up, maybe refreshing herself before lodging into the kitchen. Sleep approaches to minus infinity, and I can no longer take it. I'm out of my bed to open up the veranda and to notice the roads wet with water and the smell so typical of monsoons lingering in the air. I laid all night wide awake not even noticing the heavy rains that had flooded the city. I used to find this kind of air particularly very romantic, until now. But today, here I'm standing alone, with nobody besides me as I face my past, my present and my future. I somehow convince myself that in spite of every thing, I don't fall in the same category as those losers. 95% of my friends ( including my respected seniors) don't take the pleasures of female companionship. 75% of my fellow mates from DPS struggle on the same lines. Most of the guys I look around don't have girl-friends. But then, it's Delhi. You look around and you find couples chatting and laughing. Yup. It's quite easy to find mate in Delhi, for it's an open and liberal minded city, and I'm proud of that. But then, it just don't happen. You need at least a strong reason and some due time to get a positive feedback. At least, I'm not the kind of guy who can goto a party and mesmerize the ladies with his charisma. Had I been in college, I may have had made a girl-friend long ago. But then I'm in IIT. You know, the land of males. But even the thought that I compared myself with those loser guys just scared the shit out of me. One girl missing from your life, and it seems your life is about to shatter as with your next breath. Sometimes you just think, that one girl, who is not in your life and you even don't know who she is or if she ever exist, if she can bring your optimism and pride crashing and puts you in the league of losers, imagine what a real girl can do.
I tried to convince myself to the best of my capabilities. It may not resolve the truth of the situation. But now the slumber within me is seeding out once again. My mother is now in the kitchen, unaware that I had been awake all night and what all I went through as I scrutinized my life. Neither does she know that I'm in my bed again and would not wake up before my maid would serve the lunch before me. She'll be in her office when I'll lie to her that the breakfast was nice and the day was as good as the other days after I wake at 9. I don't care if the all the darkness has vanished from the skies. I don't care what the birds are up to now. It was the kind of night that don't encounter me often, but it's over now. I don't know how it will affect times of my life. Someday maybe, I won't even remember it. The sun is out and the night is gone. The sun will fall and another night will come. And in this cycle of life, this night and the adventures it brought upon will dissolve forever into hibernation.
Heaven.
P.S : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
P.S.S: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
It starts when I was young. I often used to visit a fantastic hang-out place with my parents, that's DC, District center, as we fondly call it. Actually, this place generally brim with friends, hang-out buddies, college guy, couples etc etc. Those were the days my body clock went out of my understanding and I discovered puberty. I acquired new habits to discern every pair of shaved legs, espy every enlarged butt, observe all the burgeoning tees, secretly glancing on every girl, her boyfriend, her friends, and other flaunting groups all around. Those guys and gals were my inspiration and my idea of college life, but almost on all occasions I used to bump into a group of losers. And now what do I mean by losers ?
Losers, as in my conclusion, are the group of those guys hanging out together looking dreadfully humdrum, uncool and you-know the typical kind of feel they would measure out to the atmosphere. The reason, the proper reason for such kind of abysmal emanation was just one - There was no visible tinge of women in their life. Of course, mothers and sisters are not counted. Just by looking at those guys one can make out they will never have a girlfriend in their lives, and their parents will arrange a marriage for their losers in due time. Even then, they were never not hanging out together. They were just crying over their wretched fortunes or laughing at the world for the shit that crowds it. Typical losers. You just know they are losers, no second thought, verdict delivered. Anyways, a small point to be made. whoever I assumed to be those losers, they always looked as some science freaks !!
It's about 6-7 years now since those trips. But life has taken strange turns. Time is an unusual thing. Sometimes it slow downs, sometimes it runs too fast, you know, it changes it's speed a lot. But still it just ticks away at one same speed. I can look at my clock now, which is hanging harmlessly over the wall and isn't very much like how I see it during light, but it still quite seemingly tells me that it's just few more minutes to dawn. And then the sun will rise again, cracking that blue light in the purplish black firmament. A new day will begin, and it will end and begin again and the cycle will go on forever. And somewhere in those cycles I'll see the world, I'll live my life and then I'll fade into the eternities of the life. Thoughts like these don't befall often on me. But today is different. Today I saw Jaane Tu ya Jaane na. No, it's no special film, nothing great or epic about it. 2/5 is a brilliant rating to go with for this one. It's that simple old testified and tried love story, the same old wine in a new bottle. But then you'll subscribe with me for the sake of that old wisdom that as the wine gets older, it gets more intoxicating.
Love stories are really common in our flicks. There may not be even a dozen successful movies without featuring a romantic affair tinseled with half a dozen songs. But does the reel life so significantly depicts the real life? Suddenly if Bollywood becomes the gauge to measure this country, half the time the beautiful men ( with six pack abs and funky dress sense) and women ( tall, fair, educated, sensible and cultured) would be falling in love with each other after years of best friendship and fighting their parents in most cultured way. The rest half, they would be singing songs, making humor, bashing bad guys and stuff. Not quite really close to reality, is it ? But still, sometimes it embarks on something so important, so natural, so crude, so perpetual..you know... and that's love, the companionship of the opposite sex, you can't hide these desires for long. Indians aren't know to be much adventurous when it comes to finding mates or losing virginity, but then luckily living in such a liberal minded family and having made so many friends who were girls, it seems so paradoxical that I still haven't satisfied that ultimate rapturous desire.
That's it. Sky is going blue now. Birds and chirping already, and my mom is preparing herself to break free from slumber. But it's still not so clear. Something is wrong. Is it the AC ? The room is chilled now, even as I comfort myself in the quilt. I'm not feeling cheerful. Maybe because I don't have any girl in my life. I'm 19 now, at 20 an average Indian male discovers the joy of manhood. The height of the bridge don't worry me more than it's foundations. The problem is I even don't have a true love in my life. It's not that you need one so desperately for you, it's just sometimes you think that there should be someone you could share some moments with, if you could ever just talk for nights on with her, sometimes just lay down on her shoulders and look at the infinity that abounds the sky and those stars that glimmer in deafening silence of love. It's just those moments where the clocks slow down forever, where times runs paces as it had never before, when it just ticks away tick by tick, and the whole creation dissolves in it.
Somewhere far in neighborhood, an alarm rings up, diminished sound, nonetheless distinguishable. Chain reactions work amazingly when left to nature. The ringing alarm ringed a few bells in my mind. I'm sure, if I haven't been distracted to it, these thoughts would have never occurred. I just realized something. When with my friends in DC, after that Okay film, I was more than desperately scouting for those losers inspite of all the beautiful womankind that inundated the air. Now I realized, why I couldn't find them. Because it was us now. Yes !! We are the losers. No girl, no love, we are the f*cking damn losers !!
My mother is already up, maybe refreshing herself before lodging into the kitchen. Sleep approaches to minus infinity, and I can no longer take it. I'm out of my bed to open up the veranda and to notice the roads wet with water and the smell so typical of monsoons lingering in the air. I laid all night wide awake not even noticing the heavy rains that had flooded the city. I used to find this kind of air particularly very romantic, until now. But today, here I'm standing alone, with nobody besides me as I face my past, my present and my future. I somehow convince myself that in spite of every thing, I don't fall in the same category as those losers. 95% of my friends ( including my respected seniors) don't take the pleasures of female companionship. 75% of my fellow mates from DPS struggle on the same lines. Most of the guys I look around don't have girl-friends. But then, it's Delhi. You look around and you find couples chatting and laughing. Yup. It's quite easy to find mate in Delhi, for it's an open and liberal minded city, and I'm proud of that. But then, it just don't happen. You need at least a strong reason and some due time to get a positive feedback. At least, I'm not the kind of guy who can goto a party and mesmerize the ladies with his charisma. Had I been in college, I may have had made a girl-friend long ago. But then I'm in IIT. You know, the land of males. But even the thought that I compared myself with those loser guys just scared the shit out of me. One girl missing from your life, and it seems your life is about to shatter as with your next breath. Sometimes you just think, that one girl, who is not in your life and you even don't know who she is or if she ever exist, if she can bring your optimism and pride crashing and puts you in the league of losers, imagine what a real girl can do.
I tried to convince myself to the best of my capabilities. It may not resolve the truth of the situation. But now the slumber within me is seeding out once again. My mother is now in the kitchen, unaware that I had been awake all night and what all I went through as I scrutinized my life. Neither does she know that I'm in my bed again and would not wake up before my maid would serve the lunch before me. She'll be in her office when I'll lie to her that the breakfast was nice and the day was as good as the other days after I wake at 9. I don't care if the all the darkness has vanished from the skies. I don't care what the birds are up to now. It was the kind of night that don't encounter me often, but it's over now. I don't know how it will affect times of my life. Someday maybe, I won't even remember it. The sun is out and the night is gone. The sun will fall and another night will come. And in this cycle of life, this night and the adventures it brought upon will dissolve forever into hibernation.
Heaven.
P.S : zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
P.S.S: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
